Vintage Cult Madness: PART 1

Last night was a good night. A few days back I was able to get a hold of a 4-DVD box set called Vintage Cult Madness consisting of old PSA propaganda films about sex. Usually back in the day these movies were about things to stay away from, or what to look for… Like the herps for example. (It’s misspelled on purpose for you tards that are spelling Nazis)

Each DVD has about an hour long movie and a half hour bonus short. The four larger movies are titled “Damaged Lives”, “Sex Madness”, “Test Tube Babies”, and “She Shoulda Said ‘NO!’”. Last night I've shown only the first and third movies on that list along with their bonuses. I’m going to try and write a brief summary of each of them.

Test Tube Babies

This is a 1948 black and white film that spends most of its time building these characters for no real reason. After all, it’s just a propaganda film there really is NO point in giving these characters a back-story. You meet this husband and wife, that we’ll call “Shoots blanks A”, having a nice little day out for about 20 minutes. Nothing is said you just hear music no dialogue… Pretty fucking boring. Eventually, you see the bitch in the kitchen making her husband breakfast and finally some talk, but not about having kids or anything like that. Instead, it’s talks about another couple they know that parties and drinks, which we’ll call “Preggers Drinking B”. Honestly, I’m not sure whether or not the wife in that group was preggers or not since it doesn’t really talk about them much.

The husband wants her to have a party at their place, which was happening that night, without him because he has work. So the husband has his friend take her. That night you see the husband hard at work and bits of a phone call he shares with his wife. The camera cuts back and forth between every scene with horrible editing like star swipes, and spiral swipes. (Obviously that shit was popular around that time.)

Eventually we get to see the party… Wife of Mr. Shoots Blanks is sitting down with some blonde bimbo on a couch as they talk about god knows what women talked about back then besides the kitchen, and we get treated to the “Comic Relief Couple C” well at least… a half of them. The husband, obviously in a drunken stupor, approaches the blonde bimbo and hits on her and is swiftly told to go fuck himself. The guy that Mrs. Shoots Blanks went with, we learn, hits on married women. A LOT… To the point of fucking Mrs. Comic Relief in another room while the party continued. Mrs. Comic Relief and blonde bimbo fight for god knows how long while clothes kept being ripped off (Not to the point of porn, but pretty fucking close), and Mr. Shoots Blanks comes back from working breaking the fight up.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Shoots Blanks is in their bedroom, and the respective hubby comes in as they talk about how their spark seems to have died and not wanting to go through divorce since it seems shameful. Instead, she gets the bright idea that they should have a kid together. So after 30 minutes we finally get close to the topic of the film title. THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES! That’s normal if the movie is about the size of a normal theatrical film of our time, but this is the fucking HALFWAY point of this film, and we’re met with a horrible reason to keep a couple together. “Hey hon, our marriage sucks.”, “Oh I know. I have an idea! Let’s have a kid!!!”, “GREAT IDEA LETS FUCK!” This is exactly what happens.

However, as you can pretty well guess nothing happens. So the couple goes to see a doctor who looks to see if the chick is actually producing eggs, but as you can guess from what I named the couple, the wife is fine and the husband is shooting blanks. Eventually the doc talks about artificial insemination, and after some talk with each other and the wife’s mother about the situation they eventually go for it. THE END.

Honestly, with how these propaganda films usually are they try to scare people away from something. I expected them to do the same with this one, or at the very least having the baby turn to be some sort of hideous monster. This of course doesn’t happen. Then again I didn’t know at the time that the film was approved and supervised by The National Research Foundation for Fertility Inc. So I guess they didn’t really have a choice. Still this film was so fucking boring that I ended up getting lost about halfway through the movie, and had to look at the back of the DVD case just to see what was going on.

Bonus: Hell is a Place Called Hollywood

This one was different. It tried to keep people AWAY from Hollywood in order to look for work. We get greeted with an voice talking about a woman named Shiela who goes to Hollywood for work. She gets a small part in a movie which we literally find out to be like a nudie film back in the day. We see her on a deserted island looking around, and finding a lake of some sort, getting nude, then skinny dipping.

Because of that, she now can’t find any real work, but finds a guy looking for a nude model. At first the nude pictures seemed tame. It was a picture of her in a pile of hay with some strewn over her naughty bits. However, over time though new faces come along for cheaper prices. Of course Shiela doesn’t get hired that much now because she’s an old face that you see in a bunch of ads for panties and bras. We eventually see her going back to the same old nudie photographer and seeing her doing something so BAD, so DISTURBING, so SHOCKING, and DEGRADING that it leaves all of its viewers blind for 3 years…

Bondage photography… *INSERT SCREAMS OF HORROR, AND A MUSIC STING HERE*

I honestly expected her to end up being murdered or something on some street corner after whoring herself out for the coke in her nose, but FUCK! AT LEAST IT’S A DECENT PAYING GIG! Better than risking murder from some sex crazed drunken psycho’s cash to score some magical white powder.

Regardless, she eventually learns that going to Hollywood is a gamble that only a small handful win.

WHAT WE LEARNED!

How babby was formed.

Test tube babies don’t turn to hideous monsters.. (OR DO THEY?!?!)

Artificial insemination is when the doctor fucks your wife.

If you’re white you can’t have a black baby.

BONDAGE IS SO EVIL YOU CAN PAY YOUR RENT WITH IT

Porn back in the day SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!2